Hello Kitty

Dear Miss Emms and Maddy-Moo, the time has come for a frank and open discussion about our living arrangements. Although we've been sharing space for 15 years now, there are some things which need improvement and it might help to just bring this stuff out in the open once and for all. You may be surprised, but here goes:

Your skills for purging gigantic hairballs are impressive, but it's rude, crude, and disgusting to do it just as dinner guests are being seated! If the urge absolutely can't be controlled, the least you can do is move to the back bedroom where you'll be out of sight and out of hearing. Purging in the middle of the living room carpet does not work wonders for my social life.

Speaking of social life, you know how we sit at home on weeknights and watch TV? And you know how you perch on my thigh while doing so? Well, it's not necessary to sink your claws into both sides of my knee. Yes, your ancestors slept in trees and it's no doubt an inherited survival response. But you've never been higher than the back of the couch and I've seen you fall off it without being injured! So don't get a grip - keep your claws in your paws and we'll both be a lot happier.

As long as I'm on the topic of injuries, let me also assure you that there has never been a documented case of full grown cat being sucked into a vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner won't hurt you and surely, after 15 years, you might have this figured out. You are much more likely to get hurt by shooting out from under the bed or the couch, scaring the hell out of both of us, and making me drop the wand and power head. Keep this in mind next Saturday a.m.

And you know that creature you discovered on the deck last week, which prompted two huge hissy fits and prolonged snarling? Well, that was a kitten and he looks a lot like you did 14.5 years ago. His name is Boo-Boo and he belongs to the 4 year old girl next door. He is not going to trash your deck chairs or eat your food. It's considered good manners to be pleasant to a neighbor until they do something which really deserves snarling and hissing. Like dealing drugs or neglecting to recycle.

Finally, we need to talk finances. In all the time you've lived here, you haven't contributed a dime to household expenses. I've paid for your food, shelter, health care, entertainment, and personal hygiene supplies and will continue to do so until you, well you know, start using the eternal litter box. Whatever. For the most part, I've been happy to provide but you could show a little gratitude now and then. And no, that does not mean laying on my head in the middle of the night and purring from self-satisfaction. It means providing companionship and some "OMG, that's so cute" kind of moments. You can do it - it just takes a little bit of effort!

OK, whew, I feel so much better now don't you? But girlfriends, remember this: even tho the PC crowd says that you are animal companions, and not pets, in the end I OWN YOU! It's not the other way around. Thanks for the chat.