Bless Me Father

For I have sinned... I am a mean, untruthful person.

I was meandering thru the local Home & Garden show yesterday afternoon browsing unrealistic, expensive ideas for my humble little house when I stopped at an unusual looking display. The marketing posters promised "relief from asthma, allergies, and illnesses" and the shelves were lined with glowing yellowish pink rocks on lamp bases. Wow, I'd found a booth offering GENUINE HIMALAYAN SALT CRYSTAL SPELEOTHERAPY (caps not mine!) and the distributor gave me a full education on the miraculous benefits of owning one of these genuine rocks. (Um, hello Homeland Security? Have these pink, glowing rocks from Pakistan been searched as thoroughly as the lipstick and underwear in my suitcase last week? Just wondering.)

Here's the mean part - I was interested, but not because I believed in the product. I let the poor man think he might be actually making a sale, while my mental eyes were rolling around like Mad Eye Moody in Harry Potter V. My questions were answered enthusiastically, since he didn't know I was already compiling my blog post on the preposterous claims of this "most beneficial salt on this planet!" I admired the lamps, took the brochure, and laughed all the way to the car.

According to the brochure and salesman, the salt rocks emit negative ions to counteract the excessive amount of positive ions created by modern urban living. Apparently these positive ions "drain our mental and physical energy, suppress our immune systems, and affect our overall wellness." The Genuine Himalyan Salt Crystals can prevent all that and more! They will remove "dust, pollen, odors, pet dander, cigarette smoke, germs and bacteria." The salesman mentioned viruses too. And, they relieve "migraines, allergies, asthma, stress, fatigue" and most people "notice results immediately once immersed in an ionized area created by these salt crystals. Others may take a little longer depending upon their environmental sensitivities." I didn't ask about intellectual sensitivities. That seemed, well, a bit insensitive.

I met a friend for dinner and told the story. She said, "oh yeah, my neighbor Crazy Mona bought 3 at last years' show." OMG...the medium size was $85.00. But I guess that's cheaper than Prozac.

After reading the brochure tho, I realize I must have been bathed in negative ions during my 10 minute conversation since about 50 of the lamps were illuminated and emitting ions only 3 feet from where I was standing. Hey, come to think of it I felt pretty darn good today and still have enough energy to write this post at 8:30 p.m on Sunday night! They must work! Where's the order form? I need my own GENUINE HIMALAYAN SALT CRYSTAL LAMP!

Benefit Claims for Salt Lamps:

• Natural air purifier
• Alleviates symptoms of asthma
• Provides relief from allergies
• Reduces severity of migraines
• Removes pollutants and dust
• Removes bacteria and germs
• Eliminates odors
• Enhances immune system function
• Increases lung capacity
• Speeds healing of wounds
• Reduces susceptibility to colds and flu
• Increases alertness
• Increases productivity & concentration
• Increases energy level
• Decreases nasal congestion

Note: The FDA has not evaluated these statements. No kidding.